Women freak out. Often at you. Often for no discernible reason. You say something that you consider totally innocuous, or even downright nice, only to find that you’ve offended, enraged, or annoyed us.
Your first problem — being attracted to women, a very weird group of people — is not going to go away. But here’s a problem you can solve: word choice. You need to know the phrases that, chi flat irons once introduced to her volatile atmosphere, will result in explosion (or quiet contempt — no picnic either). Then you need to strike them from your vocabulary.
Forbidden Phrase #1: “Relax.”
It might seem logical to you to tell a woman who’s freaking out to relax. And if “logical” meant the same thing as “stupidest idea ever,” you’d be correct. Understand, a woman screaming and carrying on in anger or frustration or panic thinks that her response is 100 percent appropriate. If the inciting situation has anything to do with you, she feels she has a responsibility to freak out extra to compensate for your maddening calm.
So when you tell her to relax, you’re implying that your response –i.e., nothing– is correct. You’re denying that there’s a reason to be upset. You’re telling her she’s crazy. Women may sometimes feel crazy and joke about it, but anything smacking of accusations of being crazy will be far from soothing.
Say…”I’m just as upset about this as you are. Let’s deal with it together.” This way she knows you’re totally sympathetic. This should help her to…oh, God…relax.
Forbidden Phrase #2: “I love you.” (During a fight)
In movies, “I love you” is usually employed by men during I-love-you appropriate situations — lovemaking, walks on the beach, airport reunions. In real life, a woman hears “I love you” most often at that point in a fight when she desperately wants to get to the heart of the issue, and when you desperately want to stop this nonsense and watch Lost - chi hair straightener - which you don’t normally even watch.
When you come home shirtless from a bachelor party or forget our birthdays and stand there in the face of our rage and crushing disappointment, do you really believe that merely stating the powerful existence of your love is going to make everything okay? Because it’s not. Say…
1. “[Insert detailed explanation of what you did and why you did it.]”
2. “It won’t happen again.”
3. “I love you.” (It’s okay at the end of the apology, just not at the beginning.)
And when you go to a bachelor party, take along an extra shirt.
Forbidden Phrase #3: “It’s up to you.” (a.k.a. “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”)
Relationships are full of decisions. You decide where to eat, where to go on vacation, where to send your child to preschool. Most men wouldn’t dream of looking at their wife or girlfriend and saying, “You know what? I just don’t care.” They would, however, say, “It’s up to you.” And find themselves in a world of hurt they never saw coming.
Men think of decision-making as work without pay. For women, it’s like window-shopping for life’s possibilities, and we want you to help us shop. So when you say, “It’s up to you,” we feel abandoned.
Say… “I could definitely do A or B, but I’m not crazy about C. What are you thinking?” This shows you’re listening, suggests you care, and gets you out of deciding.
Forbidden Phrase #4: “You knew I was this way when you married me.”
Well, the truth is that we didn’t. Or we knew deep down, but we were so busy enjoying our fantasy of you that we chose to ignore what was really there. It’s not your fault. It’s just that when we were little, we spent so much time daydreaming about having the perfect life. Now that we’re actually in grown-up life, we can’t turn off our daydreaming switch.
Telling a woman, “You knew I was this way when you married me” is like saying the way your life is right now is the way it’s going to be forever and ever. And that may well be true–in many wonderful and not-so-wonderful ways. But if she were to accept that, a little part of her would die.
Say… “It frustrates me, too — and I’m working on it.” It’s a lie. That’s okay.
Forbidden Phrase #5: (Nothing)
At times, you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You may think, chi hair tools If I just keep my mouth shut, I’ll be okay. Well, no. Imagine you’re pitching in a baseball game in which there is no hitter, not even a catcher. You would not enjoy that. Imagine yourself, head hanging, going to retrieve the ball yourself and, once again, throwing it to no one. That’s how we feel when you don’t talk to us.
Say… Anything. Throw the ball back. Throw it badly. Even risk throwing a wild pitch and letting her take an extra base. But keep your head in the game.